The Girl I used to be...


Last night while I was lying in bed, I started thinking about the girl I used to be.  I feel like I don’t know her any more.  She was always so positive; such a Pollyanna.  When did that change?  I feel like I’ve become bitter and negative.  I look at my Facebook postings and they’re so….pathetic.   When I was in college, I had an idea what I wanted to do.  I wanted to write.  I first chose Journalism and then decided that News Writing really wasn’t my thing, so I went to English Education and figured I’d help teenagers learn to write.  Well, it turns out that’s not my thing either.  After college, Paul and I moved to a new city and I had a hard time adjusting.  I really did.  I subbed and love and hated it at the same time.  I never felt like I could be a nice person while subbing.  When I was a nice person, it always backfired.   But, I kept going.  I kept pushing ahead thinking that this was my degree, this is what I wanted to do, right?  I mean, I was $20,000 in debt for it, so it had to be what I wanted to do.  I wasn’t one of those girls who went to college to catch a husband…was I? 

Then, Brooklynne was born and I didn’t have a full time job, so the decision really seemed so simple.  I’d stay home with her.  And then Kaelyn came and I stayed home with her too.  For 9 years, my kids were my everything.  For 9 years, I knew my role.  I wouldn’t say I was good at it, but I think I did ok.  I found other ways to entertain myself.  I knit.  I crocheted.  I made things for the kids.  I lead LLL meetings and planned LLL conferences and tried to keep the house at least somewhat maintained.  Then I joined PTO and Girl Scouts and I lead meetings and planned events and helped in the classroom.  I love these things.  I want to keep doing these things.  But, I feel like at this point, I should be doing something more.  I feel like I should be making money for my family.  I mean, that’s how we place value, right?  It’s all about what work you do and how much money you make.  There’s no value in being a full time mom once your kids are in school.  None.  I have no value. 

See, and that, I think is my problem.  When I was that young, college girl, I had value.  I had potential.  I could be anything I wanted to be.  I don’t feel like I have that now.  That naiveté that I can be or do anything I want to do is gone.  I know better now.  I know that just because I apply for a job does not mean that they’ll even look twice at my application.  I know now that staying home with my girls was a death sentence to my career aspirations.  But, here’s the catch 22.  I don’t regret that choice.  And, I’m not sure what to do with that.  I gained so much by being with my girls.  Say what you want about working moms versus at home moms, I believe that I was meant to be an at home mom. 
The question, though, is now what?  Now that simply being an at-home mom is not an option and the jobs I've applied for don't seem interested in me, what do I do?  I feel stuck and part of the problem is that the place I'm in isn't so bad.  I like being there for my kids.  I like the activities that I do.  But, my husband has asked for help.  So, I need to help him.  I'm just not sure how to do that.   I like to believe that when things are right, they work out.  I have to believe that.  I just hope that they work out before my confidence completely breaks down and my husband completely loses all faith in me.   

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