The Girl I used to be...


Last night while I was lying in bed, I started thinking about the girl I used to be.  I feel like I don’t know her any more.  She was always so positive; such a Pollyanna.  When did that change?  I feel like I’ve become bitter and negative.  I look at my Facebook postings and they’re so….pathetic.   When I was in college, I had an idea what I wanted to do.  I wanted to write.  I first chose Journalism and then decided that News Writing really wasn’t my thing, so I went to English Education and figured I’d help teenagers learn to write.  Well, it turns out that’s not my thing either.  After college, Paul and I moved to a new city and I had a hard time adjusting.  I really did.  I subbed and love and hated it at the same time.  I never felt like I could be a nice person while subbing.  When I was a nice person, it always backfired.   But, I kept going.  I kept pushing ahead thinking that this was my degree, this is what I wanted to do, right?  I mean, I was $20,000 in debt for it, so it had to be what I wanted to do.  I wasn’t one of those girls who went to college to catch a husband…was I? 

Then, Brooklynne was born and I didn’t have a full time job, so the decision really seemed so simple.  I’d stay home with her.  And then Kaelyn came and I stayed home with her too.  For 9 years, my kids were my everything.  For 9 years, I knew my role.  I wouldn’t say I was good at it, but I think I did ok.  I found other ways to entertain myself.  I knit.  I crocheted.  I made things for the kids.  I lead LLL meetings and planned LLL conferences and tried to keep the house at least somewhat maintained.  Then I joined PTO and Girl Scouts and I lead meetings and planned events and helped in the classroom.  I love these things.  I want to keep doing these things.  But, I feel like at this point, I should be doing something more.  I feel like I should be making money for my family.  I mean, that’s how we place value, right?  It’s all about what work you do and how much money you make.  There’s no value in being a full time mom once your kids are in school.  None.  I have no value. 

See, and that, I think is my problem.  When I was that young, college girl, I had value.  I had potential.  I could be anything I wanted to be.  I don’t feel like I have that now.  That naiveté that I can be or do anything I want to do is gone.  I know better now.  I know that just because I apply for a job does not mean that they’ll even look twice at my application.  I know now that staying home with my girls was a death sentence to my career aspirations.  But, here’s the catch 22.  I don’t regret that choice.  And, I’m not sure what to do with that.  I gained so much by being with my girls.  Say what you want about working moms versus at home moms, I believe that I was meant to be an at home mom. 
The question, though, is now what?  Now that simply being an at-home mom is not an option and the jobs I've applied for don't seem interested in me, what do I do?  I feel stuck and part of the problem is that the place I'm in isn't so bad.  I like being there for my kids.  I like the activities that I do.  But, my husband has asked for help.  So, I need to help him.  I'm just not sure how to do that.   I like to believe that when things are right, they work out.  I have to believe that.  I just hope that they work out before my confidence completely breaks down and my husband completely loses all faith in me.   

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What exactly can you do with THAT degree

So a conversation today sparked something. There is a persistent thought in this country that people are just naturally good storytellers, and that writing takes very little effort. Either you do it or you don't. And if you don't, well it's only because you don't have time/aren't interested/will get to it later. Writing a novel is perceived as easy, even when novelists scream that giving birth or bloodletting takes much less effort. Along with this comes the idea of training and education. The other day I mentioned to my husband -who has been so incredibly supportive in my chosen career path- that I was thinking of going back to school. I have been effectively out of the paid work force for the past twelve years and it's a bit difficult to get back in after so many years on the bench. I said that I found it very tempting to want to go for a MFA in Creative Writing. He said, "Well, other than Author, what could you do with that degree?" It stung. I fe...
Read more

Finding myself

Yesterday, I had some time to sit in my car with no TV distractions, no computer distractions, no kid distractions.  It was just me, my knitting and some paper and pens.  And, while I was sitting in that hot car staring off into space, I kept hearing "find what you love to do and make money doing it."  But, my problem has been that I've forgotten what I love to do.  So, I started making a list:  - write - I do enjoy writing, but I feel like my creativity has been blocked and I'm unable to find a story. - computer work -I enjoy being on the computer.  I enjoy typing and creating on here.  And, that's where I stopped, because then I started picturing myself as a writer.  What would that look like?  I saw myself in a big room with a table near the wall of windows and shelves upon shelves of books behind me.  I saw myself in my writing room (or at least the writing room I someday hope to have).  There were some flowers and lots of y...
Read more

Not good enough

I've recently discovered the joys of podcasts and especially one in particular.  For the past couple of weeks, I've been listening to the Jillian Michaels podcast while folding laundry, washing dishes or doing other such menial chores.  During these, I hear bits of inspiration and enlightenment that help me get through this journey.  It's been a year since I began this endeavor to be a smaller version of me.  And, in that year's time, I've gotten rid of (I didn't lose it, I know exactly where it went) 50 pounds.  Now, people congratulate me and tell me how incredible it is that I've lost so much.  But, is it really?  Is 50 pounds in one year good enough?  "You're making changes that last," they say.  "You're doing this the right way," they say.  "You're making sure that it sticks," they say.  But they don't have to look at me in the mirror.  They don't have to see the fight that each and every pound is.  Th...
Read more