Not good enough
I've recently discovered the joys of podcasts and especially one in particular. For the past couple of weeks, I've been listening to the Jillian Michaels podcast while folding laundry, washing dishes or doing other such menial chores. During these, I hear bits of inspiration and enlightenment that help me get through this journey.
It's been a year since I began this endeavor to be a smaller version of me. And, in that year's time, I've gotten rid of (I didn't lose it, I know exactly where it went) 50 pounds. Now, people congratulate me and tell me how incredible it is that I've lost so much. But, is it really? Is 50 pounds in one year good enough? "You're making changes that last," they say. "You're doing this the right way," they say. "You're making sure that it sticks," they say. But they don't have to look at me in the mirror. They don't have to see the fight that each and every pound is. They don't have to feel the stab of jealousy when I read or hear of how other people lose their weight so much faster than I can. And, there's the constant self-doubt. If only I were better, then I could lose this weight faster. If only I were better, then I never would have put it on. If only I were better....
And, wouldn't you know it...the "if only I were better"s creep into everything in my life. If only I were a better parent, my kids would be happier/more well behaved/popular. If only I were a better person I could work a part-time job, keep house, be a girl scout leader and a super mom. If only I were better...
So, where does Jillian Michaels fit into all of this? Well, I was listening to one of her podcasts the other day where a mother called in about her 16 year old daughter. The mom was worried because her daughter was overweight. The rest of the family was thin. When I heard this call, I was immediately placed in the daughter's shoes. It was my teenagehood. I had a thin, gorgeous mother and a thin, gorgeous sister and a thin, athletic brother...and then there was chunky me. And I got to hear from all aspects, not how beautiful I was, but how I just needed to lose weight. I heard how it would be so much easier to lose while I'm young so I'd better start now. While my family had wonderful intentions, I'm sure, and wanted the very best for me, I heard, like this young girl who was the subject of the call, that I was simply not good enough. Sure, I was a good kid and a good student and friendly and smart, but I was fat and if I was good enough, I wouldn't be fat. Fat = bad. Fat = lazy. Fat = stupid.
Did they say any of this to me? Of course not. They were my family and they all loved me dearly. But, I heard it. I heard it loud and clear. I heard it every time they talked about someone elses weight and equated that with laziness or ugliness. Every time a fat person was talked about, I heard my name imputed into that equasion. I internalized their hatred of fat, and since I was fat, I internalized a hatred of myself. And I do it now. I criticize people for being fat. I call them lazy. I'm a hypocrite.
But, the sad and ugly truth is...it's me that I'm talking about. It's my own fat. Even 50 pounds lighter, I'm still not good enough. Will I be good enough at 100 pounds down? Maybe 130? When I reach my goal weight, will I finally be good enough?
There's something that no one really thinks about when considering losing weight and that's what the weight is doing for you. People are fat for a multitude of reasons. For me, I'm still learning those reasons. I'm learning new things about myself every day, and most of them aren't pretty. I can blame the sodium or I can blame my thyroid, but the real, honest truth is that I'm only down 50 pounds because I'm afraid to let go of all that is wrapped up in my fat. I'm scared to peek into that world and face the harsh realities that I need to face. Like the fact that I am good enough. The fact that I deserve happiness. The fact that I am beautiful. Even as I type this, my brain is screaming with the notion that they are lies and that I'm not good enough. But, some day I hope to quiet that voice. Some day I will face those fears head on and I will prevail.
It's been a year since I began this endeavor to be a smaller version of me. And, in that year's time, I've gotten rid of (I didn't lose it, I know exactly where it went) 50 pounds. Now, people congratulate me and tell me how incredible it is that I've lost so much. But, is it really? Is 50 pounds in one year good enough? "You're making changes that last," they say. "You're doing this the right way," they say. "You're making sure that it sticks," they say. But they don't have to look at me in the mirror. They don't have to see the fight that each and every pound is. They don't have to feel the stab of jealousy when I read or hear of how other people lose their weight so much faster than I can. And, there's the constant self-doubt. If only I were better, then I could lose this weight faster. If only I were better, then I never would have put it on. If only I were better....
And, wouldn't you know it...the "if only I were better"s creep into everything in my life. If only I were a better parent, my kids would be happier/more well behaved/popular. If only I were a better person I could work a part-time job, keep house, be a girl scout leader and a super mom. If only I were better...
So, where does Jillian Michaels fit into all of this? Well, I was listening to one of her podcasts the other day where a mother called in about her 16 year old daughter. The mom was worried because her daughter was overweight. The rest of the family was thin. When I heard this call, I was immediately placed in the daughter's shoes. It was my teenagehood. I had a thin, gorgeous mother and a thin, gorgeous sister and a thin, athletic brother...and then there was chunky me. And I got to hear from all aspects, not how beautiful I was, but how I just needed to lose weight. I heard how it would be so much easier to lose while I'm young so I'd better start now. While my family had wonderful intentions, I'm sure, and wanted the very best for me, I heard, like this young girl who was the subject of the call, that I was simply not good enough. Sure, I was a good kid and a good student and friendly and smart, but I was fat and if I was good enough, I wouldn't be fat. Fat = bad. Fat = lazy. Fat = stupid.
Did they say any of this to me? Of course not. They were my family and they all loved me dearly. But, I heard it. I heard it loud and clear. I heard it every time they talked about someone elses weight and equated that with laziness or ugliness. Every time a fat person was talked about, I heard my name imputed into that equasion. I internalized their hatred of fat, and since I was fat, I internalized a hatred of myself. And I do it now. I criticize people for being fat. I call them lazy. I'm a hypocrite.
But, the sad and ugly truth is...it's me that I'm talking about. It's my own fat. Even 50 pounds lighter, I'm still not good enough. Will I be good enough at 100 pounds down? Maybe 130? When I reach my goal weight, will I finally be good enough?
There's something that no one really thinks about when considering losing weight and that's what the weight is doing for you. People are fat for a multitude of reasons. For me, I'm still learning those reasons. I'm learning new things about myself every day, and most of them aren't pretty. I can blame the sodium or I can blame my thyroid, but the real, honest truth is that I'm only down 50 pounds because I'm afraid to let go of all that is wrapped up in my fat. I'm scared to peek into that world and face the harsh realities that I need to face. Like the fact that I am good enough. The fact that I deserve happiness. The fact that I am beautiful. Even as I type this, my brain is screaming with the notion that they are lies and that I'm not good enough. But, some day I hope to quiet that voice. Some day I will face those fears head on and I will prevail.
I am very proud that you worked so hard and still work so hard everyday. You have done a great job. But more importantly I love you whether your 100lbs or 300lbs. It is the person inside that people are drawn to. You are beautiful inside and out...weather everyone can see that or not..that is their short coming not yours. They will miss out on knowing a wonderful, intelligent, loving person. I count myself lucky to know you.
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