Creativity at Work

I woke up early this morning with the intention of writing.  I haven't written anything in almost 2 weeks now.  It's like my creative well has run dry.  And, consequently, I was thinking of coming here to write about my insecurities with writing.  Perhaps I'm not as good at this as I thought I would be.  But, then, I thought that blogs aren't about "poor me" and "life is hard."  They're about happy and dinner parties and kids and "look my life is just simply perfect."  We've been tricked into putting out a persona of "everything's perfect" because we don't want to be the one who brings everyone else around.  We're constantly on the search for Happy...but, it seems the more we search and the harder we grasp, the more elusive Happy becomes. This past year, I've been happy and miserable and scared and anxious and loved and a million other things.  But, I think it's just now that I'm learning that I w...

Yesterday, I had some time to sit in my car with no TV distractions, no computer distractions, no kid distractions.  It was just me, my knitting and some paper and pens.  And, while I was sitting in that hot car staring off into space, I kept hearing "find what you love to do and make money doing it."  But, my problem has been that I've forgotten what I love to do.  So, I started making a list:  - write - I do enjoy writing, but I feel like my creativity has been blocked and I'm unable to find a story. - computer work -I enjoy being on the computer.  I enjoy typing and creating on here.  And, that's where I stopped, because then I started picturing myself as a writer.  What would that look like?  I saw myself in a big room with a table near the wall of windows and shelves upon shelves of books behind me.  I saw myself in my writing room (or at least the writing room I someday hope to have).  There were some flowers and lots of y...

Last night while I was lying in bed, I started thinking about the girl I used to be.   I feel like I don’t know her any more.   She was always so positive; such a Pollyanna.   When did that change?   I feel like I’ve become bitter and negative.   I look at my Facebook postings and they’re so….pathetic.    When I was in college, I had an idea what I wanted to do.   I wanted to write.   I first chose Journalism and then decided that News Writing really wasn’t my thing, so I went to English Education and figured I’d help teenagers learn to write.   Well, it turns out that’s not my thing either.   After college, Paul and I moved to a new city and I had a hard time adjusting.   I really did.   I subbed and love and hated it at the same time.   I never felt like I could be a nice person while subbing.   When I was a nice person, it always backfired.    But, I kept going.   I kept pushing ahead thinki...

Do you ever get noise overload??  Like there's too much stimulation going on and you just have to turn it all off??  Yeah, me too.  A lot.  Especially when the hubs works from home.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love having him here and it's great that he is able to be home when the kids get home from school.  Plus, the oldest has a talent show in an hour and now we don't have to wait for him to rush home or have him meet us there.  But, sometimes it's just a little too much noise for me.  I think I'm spoiled by the quiet when I'm here alone.  I like the quiet.  It lets me think. 

When you're attempting to live a healthier life and lose weight, you tend to hear quite a bit about what food is.  The problem is that no one really ever seems to come to a consensus on what food is and how we should treat it.  Some claim that food is fuel and should be used in much the same way that we use gas in our cars. "Eat to live, don't live to Eat."  For others, food is a drug, it can harm us or it can help us, and we should consider what each bite we take will do. "Sugar is evil, buy your food from a FARMacy."   And then there's the "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" camp who insinuate that some foods are big time no-nos.  But, there's another group.  One that has been dubbed IFIMM (If it fits my macros).  I think this is where I tend to fall.  Yes, I want to have a strong and healthy body.  Yes, I want to shop the Misses section.  Yes, I want to feel proud of myself.  And yes, I want to eat chocolate!  I ...

There seems to be a common theme with regards to my weight loss.  It's the fear that I'm not doing it right.  This kind of goes along with the "not good enough" post last week.  I seem to hit quite a few plateaus and I seem to retain lots of water weight.  But, in all honesty, I think my problem is the scale.  I rely too much on the scale to tell me how I'm progressing.  I weigh in every day, sometimes two and even three times a day.  It's obsessive, I know.  I know that I need to stop.  The problem I'm facing is the fear that if I don't weigh in every day, then I won't lose any weight.  However, the reality is that I am weighing in every day and I'm still not losing weight.  And, then I'm changing my program too often to find one that's truly effective.  It's quite frustrating.  So, here's the plan.  Tomorrow is my normal weigh in day.  I will weigh in tomorrow morning and then my scale is getting put away....

I've recently discovered the joys of podcasts and especially one in particular.  For the past couple of weeks, I've been listening to the Jillian Michaels podcast while folding laundry, washing dishes or doing other such menial chores.  During these, I hear bits of inspiration and enlightenment that help me get through this journey.  It's been a year since I began this endeavor to be a smaller version of me.  And, in that year's time, I've gotten rid of (I didn't lose it, I know exactly where it went) 50 pounds.  Now, people congratulate me and tell me how incredible it is that I've lost so much.  But, is it really?  Is 50 pounds in one year good enough?  "You're making changes that last," they say.  "You're doing this the right way," they say.  "You're making sure that it sticks," they say.  But they don't have to look at me in the mirror.  They don't have to see the fight that each and every pound is.  Th...