Doubt

I was having a conversation recently with a friend and her friend when her friend said something interesting.  She said that she thought weight loss was tougher for those who had been thin because they knew what they were missing.  Now, I've never been "thin" myself, so I can't really comment on the toughness of it.  What I do know is what it means to hit puberty and steadily get bigger every year to the point where you avoid mirrors and having your picture taken. 
Being fat in and of itself is hard.  I look at my goal weight as my endzone. But, it's one I've never been to, so I have no clue how I will feel when I'm 175lbs.  I have no idea how it will feel when I can shop in the Misses section.  I have no idea how it will feel when people look at me differently, and I'm told they will.  Right now I'm invisible.  Right now people don't see me or they pretend to not see me.  I can't really blame them, though, because I do it to myself as well.  Or at least, I did.  Like I said, I avoided mirrors and pictures so as not to shatter the image I held of myself in my head.  In my head, I'm a much thinner woman.  In my head, I look fantastic in my clothes and am on my way to looking hawt when I'm not wearing clothes.  But, sometimes I look at a picture or in the mirror and that image is shattered.  It ruins my whole day.  I see every roll and piece of flab on my body and it crushes me. 
This journey is one of the toughest ones of my entire life.  I almost feel as if the friend of my friend is wrong and that the journey is tougher for people like me.  She has the benefit of knowing what she is working toward.  She has the memory of the feelings of being thin and healthy.  I fear that my body has held onto this fat for so long that I am unable to get rid of it.  I fear that I will always be fat.  Even if I lose my extra weight and become fit and healthy, I know that "Fat Brandy" will always be in my head.  She's been there for too long.  I know she's waiting to take over again.  She's the reason I'm so afraid to not workout and probably overwork my body.  She's the reason I hate myself when I choose to have a lazy Sunday afternoon.  She's a miserable, unhappy person and I don't want to be her anymore.  She is my self-doubt.  She is my toughest critic.  She is my nemesis.  I cannot fail because then she would win.  I'm not sure if I can fully explain the kind of drive that creates.  I'm not sure if I can fully explain the fear this creates.  If I fail, I go back to being a person that I despise.  I go back to being a person who beats me down.  I go back to being a person who I have no respect for. 
I cannot go back.

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