My Own Worst Enemy

I think LIT sums it up perfectly when they say "It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy, cuz every now and then I kick the living shit otta me."  Yep, they're dead on with that one. 

For the past few weeks, I've been in this spiral.  Nothing I do is right.  I can't lose weight fast enough.  I'm eating all the wrong foods.  I'll never find the job I want. Well, you get the idea.  If there is one thing in this life that I excel at, it's beating myself down.  If we're honest, I think we all can admit that it's something we're very good at.  I can't even tell you the number of times I'm floored because I can't figure out what it is that makes my husband want to stay with me.  Or why my friends like me so much.  There are lots of times when I can't stand myself and I'm afraid that if they  knew that person, they'd hate me too.  But, then again, maybe it is that we're so much harder on ourselves.  I mean really, do we demand the same perfection from others that we demand from ourselves?  Do they need to be thin and active and happy all the time?  Do they need to be supermodel beautiful?  Do they always need to know the right things to say or do?  Are they never allowed an "off" day? 

It's funny the things that happen to us as we work to get healthier.  As each pound slowly (and boy do I mean ssslllloooowwwwlllyyy) drops away, I realize how many emotions I have jammed into each one.  It's like I'm afraid to be noticed because then other people will see all of my flaws and they'll hate me for them.  I became so comfortable in my role as wallflower, yet I hated that role at the same time.  I'm a walking contradiction.  I want to be noticed, but then I glimpse myself in the mirror, find out I'm not a supermodel, and I want to hide again.  Confidence is a fickle friend. 

The one thing you never see on those weight loss shows or in those diet pill ads is the journey.  Sure, you get glimpses, but you never really see the ugly sides.  The struggle with not feeling good enough or not deserving.  You don't see the dark places that we go to or how hard it is emotionally to let go of the layers that we put on to protect ourselves.  You don't see the doubt that hides around every corner and follows us throughout our day.  When I started this journey, I simply thought I would lose the weight and be happy.  I never once thought that I'd still have the same feelings and emotions, just without the walls I'd built up.  I never knew that I'd have to learn to live in a whole new body.  I never knew I'd have to get to know a whole new me.  I think I like her, from what I know of her, anyway. 
 

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