Creativity at Work

There seems to be a common theme with regards to my weight loss.  It's the fear that I'm not doing it right.  This kind of goes along with the "not good enough" post last week.  I seem to hit quite a few plateaus and I seem to retain lots of water weight.  But, in all honesty, I think my problem is the scale.  I rely too much on the scale to tell me how I'm progressing.  I weigh in every day, sometimes two and even three times a day.  It's obsessive, I know.  I know that I need to stop.  The problem I'm facing is the fear that if I don't weigh in every day, then I won't lose any weight.  However, the reality is that I am weighing in every day and I'm still not losing weight.  And, then I'm changing my program too often to find one that's truly effective.  It's quite frustrating.  So, here's the plan.  Tomorrow is my normal weigh in day.  I will weigh in tomorrow morning and then my scale is getting put away....

I've recently discovered the joys of podcasts and especially one in particular.  For the past couple of weeks, I've been listening to the Jillian Michaels podcast while folding laundry, washing dishes or doing other such menial chores.  During these, I hear bits of inspiration and enlightenment that help me get through this journey.  It's been a year since I began this endeavor to be a smaller version of me.  And, in that year's time, I've gotten rid of (I didn't lose it, I know exactly where it went) 50 pounds.  Now, people congratulate me and tell me how incredible it is that I've lost so much.  But, is it really?  Is 50 pounds in one year good enough?  "You're making changes that last," they say.  "You're doing this the right way," they say.  "You're making sure that it sticks," they say.  But they don't have to look at me in the mirror.  They don't have to see the fight that each and every pound is.  Th...

So, apparently my earlier post has opened a flood gate and I need to write more.  Yesterday, I took my daughters to see Michelle Obama speak.  (Now, I promise this isn't a political post.)  We were supposed to meet friends there, but it worked out that we had to sit in different places.  Now, my girls were excellent in this very crowded venue and they did a phenomenal job.  The issue, I've discovered, is that I am an introvert.  I must have time to myself every day to recharge.  And, in crowded situations, like a political rally, I tend to go within myself as a coping mechanism.  I prefer smaller parties and have a hard time with crowds of people in my home, in my sanctuary.  These are all things I realized last night as I pondered why it irritated me so that my girls kept asking me questions while waiting for the First Lady to arrive.  I was irritated because they kept pulling me out of my safe space.  I wante...

Every few days, I pull out my beautiful Tarot card deck that was given to my by a wonderful friend who has since passed away.  I love using that deck because it allows me to feel connected to her.  I hear her voice when I pull out the cards.  It's a wonderful experience and I'm not sure I'm doing it justice with my writing. So, every few days I pull out my deck and I ask the cards and my spirit guides "What message do I need to receive today."  The past few times I've done this, the Strength Card has fallen onto my lap (when a card falls out of the deck, it's typically a sign that it's the card you need and stop looking).  Today was different.  Today, I pulled the Fool card out of the deck.  And, so I pulled out my trusty Tarot Reading book (yes, I still rely on a book, but I'm working on that) and read: "Of yourself, you don't know what you need, or what will bring happiness in the long run.  If you let go of all you think you want or n...

I think LIT sums it up perfectly when they say "It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy, cuz every now and then I kick the living shit otta me."  Yep, they're dead on with that one.  For the past few weeks, I've been in this spiral.  Nothing I do is right.  I can't lose weight fast enough.  I'm eating all the wrong foods.  I'll never find the job I want. Well, you get the idea.  If there is one thing in this life that I excel at, it's beating myself down.  If we're honest, I think we all can admit that it's something we're very good at.  I can't even tell you the number of times I'm floored because I can't figure out what it is that makes my husband want to stay with me.  Or why my friends like me so much.  There are lots of times when I can't stand myself and I'm afraid that if they  knew that person, they'd hate me too.  But, then again, maybe it is that we're so much harder on ourselves.  I mean ...

I was having a conversation recently with a friend and her friend when her friend said something interesting.  She said that she thought weight loss was tougher for those who had been thin because they knew what they were missing.  Now, I've never been "thin" myself, so I can't really comment on the toughness of it.  What I do know is what it means to hit puberty and steadily get bigger every year to the point where you avoid mirrors and having your picture taken.  Being fat in and of itself is hard.  I look at my goal weight as my endzone. But, it's one I've never been to, so I have no clue how I will feel when I'm 175lbs.  I have no idea how it will feel when I can shop in the Misses section.  I have no idea how it will feel when people look at me differently, and I'm told they will.  Right now I'm invisible.  Right now people don't see me or they pretend to not see me.  I can't really blame them, though, because I do it to myself as ...

I read a post on Facebook where someone shared a recipe for diet pop cupcakes.  Apparently it's easy, just mix diet pop with cake mix and voila, supposedly delicious low calorie cupcakes.  Of course by doing so, said person opened herself up to the vultures that are the "this is my way to lose weight and it is the one true path" crowd.  I hate those people.  Seriously.  Yes, we know that diet pop contains aspartame.  Yes we know that aspartame causes cancer in lab rats.  Did you know that we're NOT lab rats?  Guess what, Cupcakes, something is going to kill us.  When we're obese, we're told that it's going to kill us.  (Insert big announcer voice here:) We're going to get Diabetes or High Blood Pressure or Corn Dog Syndrome!  No, I'm not sure what Corn Dog Syndrome is, but I'm sure we'll hear about it soon. But then, we take the steps to lose weight.  We make the changes.  And for some of us, those changes look different...